“Don’t you hear the rattle?” —Steve Smith Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! “It’s to turn red lights green,” he replied. Please review our “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.” “I know,” says the second owner. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” “My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper. Forty years later, Dad met the man responsible, and he told him how impressed he had been.
I just get whatever is available in the supermarket, so this week cat food and grapes. I can’t even imagine what that must be like. Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke. On the other end was an obscene phone caller. The Edinburgh Fringe on a laptop screen is not what anyone wants Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. Q: Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? So … “Funny,” she said, looking puzzled. “No, I... My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. Then came Dad’s ship’s turn. “How do you know?” the first demands. “Oh!” I shouted. We couldn’t afford a dog.” “Money can’t buy you happiness? This has only become more true now that coronavirus has hit. “Sure,” said the first guy. No, I’m kidding… I don’t have a licence.”“I was very naive sexually. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make... As my two sons were climbing into the back seat of our car, Eric, five, yelled, “I call the left side!” That didn’t sit well with Ron, four. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, “If you give me a... What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my... My husband can't activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. Stretch marks are basically badges to say "well done for eating all the biscuits". Bartender: Three dollars.
“Is this the salon near the fire station?” she asked. The cruiser opened up, shells furiously flying all around... During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.”“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? It’s only a baby,” he says. I was having so much fun, I said, “I hope the Indians tie the game in the ninth.” The die-hard Sox fans we were with were horrified, but not Dad. M., via rd.com I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.” I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. Dad listened for a few seconds before telling my mother, “It’s for you,” and handing her the phone. Settle in: You're in the right place. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.” “In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. The safest thing for the British public is to be stopped from going to pubs, football matches and places like Spain. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.”“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.”“My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.”“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. —Mimi Wright My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime.